1.Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded? Because people are dying to get in.
2.Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
3.Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
4. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
5. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
6. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
7. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
8. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
9. Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
10. Why don't eggs tell jokes? They might crack up.
11. I hate matryoshka dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
12. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
14. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
15. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
16. How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button.
17. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
18. Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.
19. What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
20. Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencil-vania.
21. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
22. At the bank, a lady asked me to check her balance. So, I pushed her over.
23. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? Because he wanted to go to high school.
24. Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it would go over your head.
25. Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill-areas.
26. When is the moon heaviest? When it’s full.
27. How do trees access the internet? They log in.
28. Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
29. What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Bi-son
30. I got a new pen that can write under water. It can write other words too.
31. I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.
32. Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table? Trick question. It's the perfect time to take sides because no one's paying attention. Bring Tupperware.
33. Who won the neck decorating contest? It was a tie.
34. I was going to try an all almond diet, but that's just nuts.
35. "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing...but not at a funeral.
36. There was a break-in at the wig factory. Police are combing the area.
37. What do you call the security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the galaxy.
38. Dad, when he puts the car in reverse: "Ah, this takes me back."
39. Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.
40. Why don’t crematoriums ever have secrets? Because everything comes out in the ashes.
41. Why don’t morticians ever gossip? They keep things buried.
42. Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
43. Why are graveyards so bad at parties? Everyone is dead quiet.
44. Why don’t ghosts lie? You can see right through them.
45. Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
46. How do robots pay for things? With cache.
47. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
48. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
49. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
50. Why did the cow become an astronaut? Because it wanted to see the moooon
51. Why are libraries so tall? Because they have many stories.
52. Where do surfers go for an education? Boarding school.
53. I wondered why the baseball was getting closer and closer ... then it hit me.
54. What do baby computers call their father? Data.
55. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
56. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
57. How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
58. What did the surgeon say to the patient who wanted to do his own anesthesia? “Sure, knock yourself out.”
59. What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
60. Why did the photo go to jail? Because it was framed.
61. What do spies do when they’re cold? They go undercover.
62. Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.
63. How do you make 7 even? Take away the “S.”
64. Why did the nurse carry a red pen with her? In case she had to draw some blood.
65. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
66. What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
67. What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
68. What kind of shoes do robbers wear? Sneakers.
69. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
70. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
71. Why were the fish’s grades bad? They were below sea level.
72. Why couldn’t the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he got lost at C.
73. How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
74. Did you hear about the skeleton beauty contest? No body won.
75. Did you hear about the man who drank invisible ink? He’s in the ER waiting to be seen.
76. How do bees get to school each day? They ride the school buzz.
77. Why do ghosts like elevators so much? It lifts their spirits.
78. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to start spreading it.
79. What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look a little flushed.
80. Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
81. How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.
82. How do you impress a baker? Bring him flours.
83. What did the cake say to the fork? You want a piece of me?
84. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
85. Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It’s just gathering dust.
86. Why did the cow pack up its bags and move to Hollywood? To be in the moo-vies.
87. It takes guts to be an organ donor.
88. Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning.
89. What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop.
90. Why is cold water so insecure? Because it’s never called hot.
91. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini.
92. What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
93. If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
94. I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
95. RIP boiled water—you will be mist.
96. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
97. My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
98. I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
99. I like telling Dad jokes…sometimes he laughs.
100. What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.